Primitivity Against Modernity; Echoes of the past on the field of Marriage

Marriage, also called matrimony or wedlock, is a socially or ritually recognized union or legal contract between spouses that establishes rights and obligations between them, between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws. The definition of marriage varies according to different cultures, but it is principally an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually sexual, are acknowledged. Also marriage can sometimes be referred to as a mixture or combination of elements.

African Marriage is regarded as a spiritual and social family union, which involves the combination of two lives, two families and even two communities. Marriage in Africa is considered sacred because it solidifies the relationship that enriches communities and even nations; by providing a revered platform for the germination of new life and a new hope.

I got fascinated about this discuss because, my maternal grandfather “Mr E. K Opuni”, used to ask and tease me with the question, “Kwaku, so this your modern marriage practices and our so called primitive marriage practices; which one do you advocate for?”.

The aim of this discussion is to make a genuine and logical comparison between the ancient days or so called primitive time marriage and modern day or today’s marriage; to make adaptations for the betterment of today and future marriages in Africa.

Let’s initiate ourselves into the dialogue by analyzing how both the ancient time marriages and contemporary marriages are contracted.

In the past, the family of a suitor approaches that of a prospective bride to inform them of their son’s intention to marry their daughter; and after about two or three meetings, the marriage is either declined or contracted. Contemporary; we are seemingly blessed to experience a lot of procedures in the name of marriage; dating, familiarization, courtship, counseling, grooming, before marriage. However, the marital attrition rate in contemporary African societies continues to scare our hopes for a better future with regards to nurturing a sound and solid society. Why do we waste a lot of time to decorate a monkey, knowing very well that, its fellows will still recognize it at the zoo?

After the marriage is consummated, let’s also analyze husband and wife relationship in the past and in the present. In the past, the wife’s concentration was the wellbeing of the husband and children (if any) and it seems a good portion of this solution has not been diluted. Conversely, with the inception of modernity coupled with civilization (and a little bit of luxury), the husband now has to cope with the tragedy of sharing his wife’s concentration with other painful but necessary stakeholders, like the kids, the wife’s career, religious and cultural activities, and some times, some unfamiliar friends. It is difficult to blame anyone here, as the trend of the society does not necessarily justify or rationalize individual conscience.

One very vital ingredient in marriage (whether ancient time or contemporary) is sex, but majority of times, both men and women play down the power of sex to make or break a marriage. It is also sad to realize that a good percentage of today’s men and women still pursue marital sex as a weapon to punish the spouse than obligation.

I wanted to refrain from injecting my personal comments into the discus; however, I believe that marital issues should be addressed independently on their own merit. Anytime the wife resorts to withdraw from sex as a means of punishment or revenge on the husband, the husband also begins to look for options to contain the situation; some of which eventually jeopardizes the existing marital relationship. I think that, if we really want to embrace modernity in marriage, most of the routine challenges should be addressed by dialogue and not cohesion, intimidation nor withdrawal of legitimate obligations.

In the “primitive era”, married women were admonished to put dietary and sexual satisfaction of their husband on top of the priority list, why? Because it has been tested and proven to be the main anchor of marriage. In our modern marriages, sex still goes on, but within certain confined parameters; maintain a good relationship with the wife at all times, but respect her rights as human; that she may not be ready for sex at the husband’s demand at all times.

We are learning from different cultural settings of other ethnic groupings; as a result of globalization, but some of these practices rather pose danger to the growth and survival of the institution we seem to modernize. Let me ask a genuine question without prejudice to anyone; is the marital rape law solidifying or traumatizing marital foundation? In the ancient times, this idea was incomprehensible; but has found a strong ground to survive and threaten a lot of our modern marriages. One aspect of sex in our modern marriages that I wish was rather primitive is anal sex; but ironically, it is gradually getting entrenched as a pleasurable sexual activity for a good number of today’s married couples; shhh!!, is modernity changing humanity to behave otherwise?

The vagina is designed for sex and procreation, the anus is designed for excretion and respiration. The anus is not self lubricant like the vagina; and as a result susceptible to tear. It is also vulnerable to infection; because feces contain a lot of toxins which promotes bacterial infection, especially when the anal wall gets bruised or torn. Someone once said it or maybe I am just hearing voices; “that even animals know the right hole to enter”, so should we concentrate on the observation of human rights wholesale or at least certain norms should still be kept in the sack of abomination?

The last question (s) probably worth addressing is/are, “who is the head of the family in today’s marriage?” is it the husband or the wife or the one who is adjudged the bread winner or both husband and wife?

I don’t have a problem with the issue of husband can cook, wash and clean the same way the wife does; conversely, am getting confused whether God intended husband and wife perform the same roles in marriage or to perform unique and separate roles. Let’s analyze things dispassionately and genuinely without prejudice to anyone’s purpose in life.

Let’s not confuse women empowerment with God’s intention for mankind and let’s not follow others just because no one seems to be following us?

Conclusion

I want to conclude my part of this discussion, and leave the rest of the debate in the comfort of your brains, since I believe that, the echoes of a good music continues to reminisce in our minds for long; even when the original sound has ceased playing.

Conversely, I honestly believe that, our contemporary marriage practices would be better improved if some few lessons from our forefathers’ primitive marriage practices were adopted and intertwined with a few good norms in our modern marriage practices.

Author: Anane Kyeremeh

Anane Kyeremeh is a freelance writer, Radio Presenter and a Business Analyst and he currently serves as the Commercial Manager of Far East Mercantile Limited - Kumasi

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